Put my Christmas lights on to cheer up the Sadness.

I can already feel it, and I wasn't even there, two years on and I wonder if things have changed?

Thanks for making me put a good pair of shoes into a bag for no reason.



I know why people do it now, not that I didn't really already, because even though it is only for a moment, you don't feel alone anymore.

bitch.

I could see you all laughing at me behind my back.
And in seeing this, it makes me wonder...


I'm too good to you. Always.
Sometimes, all I want is support, you don't always have to be such a

Sometimes it's funny how dissatisfied I really am with my life. I feel as if I could be so much more than I am, and it is ironic too find that the one thing that I feel is stopping me at the moment, is one I so preciously defend.
I can see myself, but then I see myself.

I am only young, but these lifestyle choices I keep deciding against are wasting my youth and soon I will be too old for all of it. For once it is gone, only a regretful path lies ahead.

Feeling

Slightly Sad, and Regretful.

Missed the boat,

Again?

I'm convinced that it would work, you know it would.
But maybe, something that has the potential to be so good, can never have lost opportunities...

I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for you.

I'm just saying..

That you don't have to, but you can.

I only stand for what is right here, and just as I am protective of the one who was wronged, I can still celebrate the one who succeeded. 

I only ask that the wrong is made right, all other opinions you have formed are misguided perhaps, as I am still open new relationships, in a unbiased nature, despite what you may think.

Fate?

I haven't said/thought it in a while, but...

Be strong, believe.
Have faith, in life.
More importantly, have faith in yourself.
And you will get to where you want to go.
With a smile.

Remember that.

There comes a time in life, when it's easier to just
                                                                         let
                                                                               it
                                                                                   go ...



Even if it is the hardest thing of all.

Perhaps here I should follow my own advise?

I just hate the fact that it is you that possesses that knowledge.

Trial and error. But who? See my problem.

Afraid of the outcome of the conversation, both of them.
Do I even want to know the truth?

Slipping...

I understand why people like that say the things they do, and constantly.
Yet the line that I once thought to appear, seems to be fading.

You belong to so many, I only wish you had time enough for me.
Am I one or the other, primarily?

And I know you think you're helping (and you usually are)
Today, you couldn't have made matters worse.

To be or not to be?

I feel like, it would be like stepping back in time, back to high school. With all the people, all in their own little niches, own little worlds, like a bubble. That on the inside I feel I have the power to pop, but when push comes to shove, that's exactly it, I'm pushed and shoved out again. Do I do it to myself?

I shouldn't let it get to me, but how long have I told myself that, I've lost count. Why do I always feel less than I'm worth? It's like the reality of it scares me, which is why I am so, because I'm so not even that way at all. Stupid perception/prediction of reality. Stupid fear. Is it all in my head?

If your excuse is just that, then it's weak. I would do it for you.

Thinking aloud.

It's funny how angry you make me sometimes, and always over the smallest of things.
But only ever for a moment.
Always forgiving.
Even when I don't want to be.


Am I the person that I want to be?
I wonder how many of us ask ourselves this question, I wonder what I would see if I looked into that mirror.


The signs confuse me...

And on another note:

I've decided that me being 'born this way' is a curse. For at times (right now) I feel so much empathy, that I can feel my heart physically aching, so much so it hurts.

How on earth will I survive this?

A Giver, and a Taker.

I hate feeling like, which I know is true, for it hangs in the air, so obviously...

Why do you _____ me so? Maybe too strong, yet it's a sense I get from you.

I love you, but I can't leave it at that.
You are my friend, and I care a great deal for you.
I prey that you're safe, and I miss you.

My point was - that I'd like having you there, as opposed to you liking it when someone is there.
Correct me if I'm wrong, which you never do, hence the feelings that radiate in my direction.

I can be great, correction, I am great, but I always get the feeling that I've done something wrong.
Tell me what.

There is a theory that just occurred to me. In relation to the rebuilding of walls in fear? 

I felt like at the beginning, it was the start of something great.
Where has that greatness gone?

And now I wonder if you even see it, or care enough to see it.
Do you?

I hate that it is so, because in a way it means that I rely on it to feel better about myself. A constant support, someone who you, no matter what, can turn to and say, 'hey my life is crap, make it better' and they will. I miss so much right now, and I think because of it - convenience is occurring, yet not occurring, because I refuse to demoralise myself, with you anyway. Which is a positive, yet negative, yet positive factor.  I just want things to change, drastically, and fast. Because I'm sick of living like this, and I'm clearly not happy. Clearly. Yet if it did occur, it wouldn't be fateful, just fulfilling, at best. Fuck this belief in fate I have, how is it serving me any good.

Oh and I feel guilty for leaving, for I was enjoying myself, and it may seem a selfish choice and despite the fact that I know you weren't in anyway rubbing it in, at all, it felt as though it was being shoved in my face, continuously. Yet at least you got it, and for that I smile. Thank you, I have truly missed you in my life.

I dislike the fact immensely that you can see straight through me, as if I were as clear as glass. It's like I don't even notice my weakness's until I'm in your presence. Yet, I like the fact that you have the ability to do so, because it makes me feel as if there is at least one person who understands, and thinks the way I do. But I hate the feeling, that overwhelming feeling that is brought on by it, and I cannot work out if I am just strong, or if I am strong.

- - - -

Sometimes, I think people judge me too harshly. I'm not this intense person that I think people see me as, I like to plan things because it gives me security, everybody wishes they could see the future, and in a way it's like motivation, because I can already see mine.

- - - -

When I look at you I see two people, and I can't pin point what it is that makes you this other person in my mind when in reality you're so different, some how I think it is me, and I made you so. I am a theorist, and many a theory I have, yet all my theories seem to contradict one another, and I often feel that what I think must be incorrect, yet how do we ever really know what another person is thinking/feeling/otherwise. I wonder if you get it. It may not be as you think either. I just feel the difference, and don't like it. Although, it may just be me over thinking things, again. Yet I highly doubt that.

so over being alone.

I'm sorry but I just really wasn't in the mood.
It was in most ways unfair, every time I get the same thing with no choices, yet the moment you are in my shoes the game changes. Taking what should have been mine.
Might be petty but it pissed me off.
And I can 'blame' whomever I choose, because it actually wasn't me that was the issue. But thanks for rubbing it in, you don't see me doing that to you, was it just to prove a point?
Whatever really.

Feels slightly insignificant at this moment in time.
And I love how it's like looking into a mirror, what's the deal with that?
'Right' path choice, I think.

Same old, same old.

I'm happy I saved on that one, because it was worth it. You on the other hand, are not. Couldn't get away quick enough could you. 

I've come to the conclusion, that it won't ever be. Yet that doesn't really concern me as much as I figured it would.

I wish I could let go...

I find myself surrounded in a swirl of frustration mixed with optimism and a hint of reality. Only a hint. I feel sometimes, directed at me is more than saying, second guessing myself, like a game of chicken and egg. Never ending cycle of the same questions.

I pray that you don't find me. 

I know how the game is played, clearly I'm not winning. But then I guess neither are you.

As time goes on, you realise what the important things in life really are.
I need to learn to take things as they come, and to be more optimistic.
To be the best version of myself that I possibly can be.
To remember, that anything is possible if you set your mind to it.

It's the first without you.
The first where I won't wake and hear your voice.
The first were there will be no phone call you inclusive.

Makes me miss the days when, we were small enough to all fit, in what seemed like such a big bed.

I miss you. And then.

If only really, If only.

Are we ever fully satisfied with who we are? Or is there always going to be this constant need to be better?

How do you see me? I wonder. 

And I could do it so well.

I've decided that I can do what I choose to do, and nobody shall govern my choices.

This and that.

Let me do it, just this once?
Consequences.

One word comes to mind now when I think of you. No matter how hard I try to shake it off, it's sticking. How unlucky. I'd love to cut the legs off.

Maybe, I was fooling myself, in thinking that you were someone/something you're not. Maybe I was wrong about you. Whatever it is, it's your loss if I was.

I feel like if I did it, you would think that it wasn't for myself, and even though I get told not to worry about it, I still feel like I'd be judged.

And I love how we say that this good trait we possess, is such an unfortunate gift, it amuses me greatly.

I must do better. If I am the only one I can rely on, how can I keep letting myself down like this? I must do better.

Landmines

Sometimes, I think I'm too nice. I would do so much for people that I barely even know. At times, I cannot determine, the difference between being nice and being over nice. I don't think people see it the way I do. Maybe it's because I have a great ability to empathise with people, and because of the way that I am, I want to give support to those I feel need it, and can see solutions to the problems that they face. Yet it isn't even that, if I were to place comment, certain people would think it were strange, would it be welcomed?

I also feel that my questions are annoying. I want answers. Previous experience has deterred me from seeking these answers, despite being advised otherwise, I just get the vibe that they are unwanted. I work through things in this way, when I understand how something works, I can understand the entire concept better. Being a woman, and future psychologist I cannot help but read to much into things, and I realise I'm heavily generalising when I say that part of this is being a woman but it's true, woman over think things.

There was also more to what I was going to say, yet I'm hesitant. As always.

confessions.

This is who I am. This way I am by nature.

This is both problematic and beneficial.

This is deemed scarlet like by society.

To be judged by society, to judge yourself.

These are two separate systems.

Both conclude with the same answer.

Wise women will say 'it will harm your future'.

Hope will say 'shall not be the one'.

Borderline, constantly flirting with Hope.

This is who I am. This way I am by nature.

There are three things men and women need from each other. Men need loyalty, nurturing and love. Women need stability, wisdom and love. I don't care about looks, I care about attraction and finding someone who'll make me laugh - Nicole Trunfio 

Why is it that I always want what I cannot have?

With thanks

I love the conversations that we have, you are quite amazing really. You always make me feel good about myself, but not in the 'unconditional love' way, it's completely separate to that. I love how it doesn't matter, despite the vast difference between us, the similarities we possess are plentiful. I think we are, in a way, soul mates, and your the best I could have asked for. Most definitely you are my guiding angel, and I am so thankful to have you in my life, because without you I don't think I would have survived the things that I have.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'S'.

I find it funny how ridiculous I am. All talk perhaps, in some aspects. I think it would be a release unlike any other, and I guess you could say that it was a bad influence on me. It got me to thinking, again. Sometimes I hate that I know the consequences.

I also find it funny how easy it would be for you to disappear from my life, completely. I am the worst and best in the same breath, it's like a flower, you pick off the petals until the answer remains, as simple as that. No doubling back, no second glance, nothing. Would it be as easy for you as it is for me? Easier perhaps? Bringing back to that old question that constantly plays in my head. Yet again, perhaps it's all talk, and I really do need you.

Also I've decided not to let you get to me, because I'm sick of it, and I know that I'm better than what you make me out to be at times.

Sleep with all the lights on. You're not so happy. You're not secure.
You're dying to look cute in your blue jeans, but you're plastic just like everyone.
You're just like everyone.
And that face you paint is pressed impressing most of us as permanent and I'd like to see you undone.
College night will draw the crowds. Dorms unload and you're heading out.
Here is your moment to shine. Making up a history.
It has nothing from the life you lead but man will they buy all your lines.
Sleep with all the sheets off your bearing your mattress, bearing your soul.
And you're dying to look smooth with your tattoos but you're searching just like everyone and could be anyone.
And those friends you have are the best impressing most of us as permanent and I'd like to see you undone.
Youth's the most unfaithful mistress. 
Still we forge ahead to miss her.
Rushing our moment to shine.
Making up a history, it's nothing from the life you lead but man, will they buy all your lines.
We're not twenty-one, but the sooner we are, the sooner the fun will begin, so get out your fake eyelashes and fake I.D's, and real disasters ensue, it's cool to take these chances.
It's cool to fake romances and grow up fast.




Please, don't let there be a sequel. When I invest, I invest for life. This is the only way, my heart truly breaks. Even at the thought, twice I could not handle. 

I am the best actress.

Be strong, believe.

What if I'm not cut out for this?
What if I simply cannot do it?
I'd have nothing.

Why even bother trying?

And how is it possible that everyone is always better, whomever keeps placing me among these types, what in hope that it would rub off on me? Bring out something in myself I didn't know was there? Well so far your just making me feel like a failure. Push me harder because I can do it? What faith. No faith.

I cannot believe you thought it was.

And I cannot believe that you knew it wasn't.

Also it kind of killed the buzz. 

You're the only one, who's calling 'you' perfect.

Some people never learn.

And I'm so sick of your what could be described as 'attention seeking methods', and your continuing brutal insults.

I don't see you making any effort? Besides no one would want to see a person like you again after what you wrote and how you acted last time. "It makes me physically sick when I think about what sort of person would do that" 


And you realise that their partly to blame also. Given the situation, and lack of interest, this goes three ways. And it makes it worse that you make up a fair percentage of this 'pie chart' so to speak.

Why don't you take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, then get back to us. Hey, sounds like a good idea?

Or rather don't get back to us, just be quite.

I'm over playing nice.

Do people ever really change?
Or is it all just an act?

Brick walls.

'The Waiting Game'

I hate that I spend a significant amount of my time thinking about you.

I'm always wanting more than I can have. With terrible ideas seeming like great ones in the moment.

Why can't we ever have our cake, and eat it too? I mean theoretically we can, we can have a cake in our stomach because we've eaten it. Right?
I think it makes sense.

And again I'm indecisive.

It was strange, because I found myself thinking about you the other day, which hadn't been an occurrence for a rather long time. And reading that, made my heart skip a beat. Sadness? I couldn't tell. Do I miss you? I know I miss what we had, but you... Not so sure. In the nicest way possible of course.

There are none so blind, than those who cannot see.

I realise it's harsh, but I think it's about time someone actually man'd up enough to tell you how to do your job properly, because I'm sick of being a 'rental' when you can't*.
But not even that, reemphasise the problem, and make you see it as it is. Or rather see him for what he is; a using loser.
Because right now your failing, and not only failing yourself, but failing those around you.
And she deserves better.
It is just so sad that on the day of your celebration I struggled to find something nice to say at that moment, 'thank you for all that you've done for me', which is what?**
I am where I am because of you, I admit, I was ready, but you pushed me. And the worst thing about that, is that you didn't see it, or rather didn't care enough to see it, and change the circumstances so it wasn't so.
You'll always be blind.
But regardless, I'll always love you.



*Yet I would never stop being one because I actually care.
**Dating back maybe.

The Little Things Give You Away

it's like i'm staring into your soul,

let me in;

reaffirmations of previously stated statements.

Coagulation

Its always the random things in life that bring the most joy. The unexpected, unknown and undiscovered. Life should be this way. This week I think I have come to terms with the type of person that I am, and who I want to be. And you know what, that person is the same. Only one hurdle remains (that I consciously know of).  I spoke about saving before, but now I'm not so sure its worth it, what do I really gain? I thank you for the past, and the roles you played in my life at that time, yet somehow I don't think you will make a significant impact in my future, but I am okay with this. That said, I will still miss you, and the fun that we really did have. I've rekindled my love with a guilty pleasure, this will be costly! Oh, and it's still there.

'It's a terrible thing to know what you want 
And know you can't have it at all'


I scare myself sometimes, because I know that all is possible, yet in that possibility is failure. 


Remembering an event, even from the most recent past, can involve a blend of fact and fiction. It is entirely possible for one to remember the way events occurred differently to what they did in reality, as it is possible for one to remember events that simply did not occur. 


For once, can't I just be better? 

annoyed with no rights.

Lost

Definitely regretting that one. 

Should probably start saving now.

I don't really know how to feel about this.
I thought that once you were out of my life, I'd feel happier, knowing that there was no longer any pretence. But now, I feel sad, and regretful. Despite the fact that I know some of you thought nothing of me, perhaps others actually cared. Amongst the times I wished I could run away from it all, were the times that I loved being apart of it. Is it worth saving, considering you have yet to save me?

Not like one of my 'sunny days'.

Got it?
Please don't take this in any particular way.
Everything is subject to the moment.
You'll over think things if you do.

Why am I such an idiot?

coming home

Last night I was, Girl Interrupted.
It was as if I were there, so vivid, so real.
Like every feeling I felt was happening at that precise second.
I was so happy, life was so simple, I never smiled as much as I did last night.
I recall searching the courtyard for your face, and the rush of emotion I felt when I hugged you in what felt like one hundred years. I still cannot pin point what emotion that flooded my body was exactly, but it kind of felt like I was coming home. I remember waking up because my heart felt as if it were having trouble beating. If only I could return to that world at that moment, because it felt so amazing, and I'm missing you already.

Give me a sign.

I don't think I like you very much. 
Yet then again.

Stupid internal debate! I thought that we were supposed to follow our gut feeling? It's either my instincts are very wrong, or everyone else is. Everyone keeps telling me that it is a bad idea, and I can see how it is, and what consequences could be derived from it, but that still doesn't halt the feelings I have, instincts. The impaticence I posses also is problematic. What if my gut feeling is correct, but not for this precise time? How am I supposed to know when things are meant to happen. And if everything happens for a reason, doesn't that mean that if I were to follow my gut, it would be a good thing? Because then if it wasn't meant to be so, I would be led to a different path.
Why do I have this overwhelming need to see into the future? It's ruining the present. Potentially anyhow.

I don't think this will work.
And I can see it being so.
But tell me, what do you think?
Because I never seem to know.

(I really must stop with the rhyming) 

Best/Worse/Other

Sometimes it's so hard not to be...
So. Hard.

And now whats this!?
I am thoroughly confused, extensively and utterly confused.
Is this a warning? And/or gift?

Just because doesn't mean I'm still not...
Which makes matters worse.

Breathe, breathe in the air

Don't be afraid to care

Leave, but don't leave me

If everyone is telling me that it was the right thing to do, then why do I feel like it was wrong?
I don't believe I am clinging onto any kind of hope.
Maybe I just see the good in people. Or believe that they don't deserve that. Because it was quite bitchy.
And just for the record, your opinion is biased anyway.
Or maybe I am so desperate for something more than what I have, I'd do it just to have a moment of what I want, or need, which is probably a better way to put it.
And I'd hate to think, and I truly hope that is isn't so, that she is out there with the smile of glory on her face. Because I'm still a firm believer that that smile is not yours to claim.
I guess I just want to prove to someone that I can be the best there is. Which again is my problem. Someone, anyone, whats the difference.

Rarities

I don't know who you think you are, going around posting things like that. Do you have a heart? Or rather a brain for that matter? You must be selfish to not recognise all the help that has been thrown your way. What, do you think that it is a right? That you deserve it? Hardly. And even after being warned you go ahead and offend again. Stupid. I just wish I had more power in this situation. As for your lack of heart, given the current timing of your obscenities, it is ridiculously insensitive! Only proves further your self-centered nature. You better not show your face on the day approaching, your just lucky that it would not be in decorum to give you what you deserve. But I'd probably be giving you too much, because you deserve nothing.


Note: This is a rare side of me. And it is rarely, as the nature of rare things go, shown. Only those who truly do wrong against the people I love and care for most, get to experience the rarity. Don't judge.

For a day that could appear insanely intense, it wasn't half bad. And in a way, I think it is helping.
I mean, being apart of everything is definitely allowing time to process things.
And accept it further. Not that acceptance was a problem for me per say. But rather, for the one closest.
I seem to have the ability to accept things fairly quickly. Apparently it is due to the fact that my star sign is Mutable. I never thought I would learn as much about Star Signs as I have in the past week. Some of which astound me, for my past experience has told me otherwise. I truly hope that I am helping you. For I have a fear, and I wouldn't know what to do.

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is not what you think. And in a way, a tribute. Although full of sense, not a support.
(I'm not sure as to why I keep having to make that clear. Its like I'm determined not to believe or something)  

P.s I kind of miss you.

Or...

I can't do it any differently, but I feel like it's wrong.

It hasn't proved effective for some of those around me, and I'm deathly afraid that I will turn out like you, which is something, although controversial, I never want to happen. Ever.

And quit ganging up for God's sake, she's got enough to deal with! 

I'll never hurt you.

I know it's unfair for me to be jealous, but that doesn't change that fact that I am.

Skeletons

I had almost forgotten those feelings, I had almost forgotten that period of my life, and I almost wanted to forget, forever.
But how could I ever forget. You changed me. I am a completely different person now because of you, and what you did. I don't even believe you realise how much so. I hated you for so long after that, and I guess I still do. Part of me wants to let this go and move on, part of me want to stay angry at you forever.

I feel sorry for the bystander in this situation, for unspecified reasons.

And now I'm kind of wondering if I should. Continue I mean. It would be beneficial, for my future, in more ways than one. Different topic of course.

Writing this now, I can see the facts. And contrary to my previous statement. These facts do not need explanations, and they are as they appear, the truth. At times, my life seems one continuous night of fend for yourself dinners.

I kinda liked the mystery. Things that are too straightforward are boring.

I used to feel: Stress, stress, stress!!

Now I feel: A calming sensation of relief tied in with a deep knot of guilt. Oh and repeat.

P.s I can't recall if you were invovled or not, but I forgot again. But really if I were to remember, it wouldn't make a difference, I'd just be blazing on the inside.

On another note, as sad as this is, I'm going to miss you, greatly, and I don't care what that says about me.

Sometimes I wonder where my life has gone. And although I usually don't dwell on my past, I'm finding myself wondering, if I hadn't of done certain things or made those decisions, would my past have made it into my future? And maybe I would have like it more than my present ...

With a hint of optimism

So here I am, 7am, in the Mac labs at uni, half way through my readings for my cog assignment that is rapidly approaching. Crazy you must think, '7am on a Saturday morning!', but on the contrary, it's actually quite refreshing. Walking through the campus, along with the cold crisp air I feel a hint of optimism, 'Hey this isn't half bad'. Which leads to my realisation that I'm in an insanely good mood for this time in the morning, not even the fact that my hot chocolate with skim milk, half a shot of coffee and marshmallows, has gone slightly cold can ruin it. And even though I spoke to you, niceties and all, I didn't feel half the anger or rather outrage I did the last time you came up in conversation. In fact I had forgotten the incident had occurred completely, which is thankful really considering the advantages. I have a feeling that not only will this day bring a fantastic start to my assignment but also a fantastic or here's hoping, start to something I've wanted for a while now, wish me luck!

Bracing ourselves for the inevitable.

I want to say so much more, but right now I just can't seem to find the perfect words.

Everywhere that I turn, I'm getting attacked by those words.
For God's sake, shut up!

Shock and not.

Is it hard to breath when you see what you just did, and think like that? I most certainly would think so.
Perhaps you should get a better hold on this, and get back under control, before you lose out on yourself again, mightn't be the first time? 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;

All the King's horses and all the King's men,

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Whore.

Is that way of thinking warped?

It's what I've always known;

Biased options telling me what I want to hear,

How else can my love for you be shown?

But I guess it's not just that,

for it always feels more;

But everytime it does occur,

It leaves me feeling like a ______.

Attachment Theory. Need I say more?

Today I feel as if I could drive forever, just continue down a road to anywhere. I want to fight someone or something, in a way I kind of feel lifeless. Heavy. Tired. My mind is overwhelmed and I cannot focus. But what am I really thinking about? In a mental list: you, yes. you no, you no, you yes. And I've wanted to write on this but I still cannot find the words. Different topic and my ____ feels _____ without ____. Which can be considered as unhealthy. Restless, just less. But what is it that is making me feel so? I have some suggestions, or rather excuses, or rather again, suggestions. Perhaps I have caught what you have that is contagious. Or perhaps now after always I actually do.

"Do you see what I see"

If I were to explain it to you, in the form of facts solely, you would think it was terrible, horrible, saddening. I can see how you could, but facts are not explanations they are merely facts. Although sometimes, I feel as it these thoughts, right here, are for show. Or maybe it is I who is really for show. Or maybe your way of thinking is just contagious. 

Like.

Have you ever like, said something right, and then you like wish you didn’t? And then it like replays in your head, like a thousand times! O-M-G like that is so annoying! Cos you like wish you could change it, but you like totally can’t. And your all like ‘I so should have said this instead’ but there’s like nothing you can do! And then you totally just die every time you like replay it. It’s just like when you have a meaningful conversation with someone right, and your like deciding and its all complicated and you like fully expect an answer, or like even for them to talk to you but instead, they fully have to like go and ignore you. That's just like so rude!

Boundary, where for out thou?

Again, I stumble, my body lurches forward. I feel the spray of the waves icy against my face as they crash into the sides of 'The Journey'. I stumble once more, and grasp out for anything to steady myself, this darkness is horrifying and I fear for the worst. If only I could find what I'm looking for, then the brightness of it would make this clearer to me. If I take one step in the wrong direction I could be thrown into the depths below, then there the challenge of climbing aboard once more.

Am I already in the depths below?

Anonymous.

Which is what I want this to remain. But why in the first place would I write, if I didn't want those whom I want to know, to know. Like an outlet, for things that cannot be said. And will remain unsaid. The most private yet public thing, so personally impersonal to the point it almost frustrates me!

On the list of things that frustrate me is you. Or rather they. Who in this wide world can you trust. The people that you thought you could always proving you wrong. I'm sick of it, truly. And whats worse is that I didn't even think it was that way. Maybe I was momentarily blinded. I over think everything, but I am trained too. I am attentive, for years of needing to be. I can handle. But when someone questions me, I cannot take it. Confidentiality is a massive part of who I am, I'd like to think I come across as easy to talk to and trustworthy. But when you go round throwing accusations at me, how I am supposed to look at myself the same! Perhaps it's true. Maybe I am, and hence the increase, but I don't believe you. And now to restart the game. Ever more complicated.

There is possibility. But that is another story.

Believing.

Fate is a word that a lot of people associate with God. As is the word faith. But to me these words are important, and not because of this association. I'm not a follower of him and I don't believe I ever will be. I want to believe in something greater than the human race but believing in him just doesn't make logical sense to me with all the scientific evidence pointing otherwise.

But fate is something I can believe in, I can have faith in fate. There has to be some greater plan in life, we can't all be wondering around aimlessly. I mean we all have aims, great or small, but how do we get there from our simple thought patterns into life.

Another thing that deters me greatly from the whole God perspective is the rate of natural disasters in the world at the moment. How can people who believe that God 'loves all his sons and daughter', reason with what is going on in the world.

I've got to believe in something, or what do I have? What do any of us have? Everyone would have something or someone guiding them, whether is is God or simply an ideology of how they want there life to be pushing them towards a brighter future. I don't think it is possible not to believe, and therefore I do.

Believe in yourself - in the power you have to control your own life, day by day, Believe in the strength that you have deep inside, and your faith will help show you the way. Believe in tomorrow and what it will bring, let a hopeful heart carry you through, things will work out if you trust and believe -there's no limit to what you can do!

That poem was given to my Mother from my Auntie. I forget the author, but I always remember the words.