Landmines

Sometimes, I think I'm too nice. I would do so much for people that I barely even know. At times, I cannot determine, the difference between being nice and being over nice. I don't think people see it the way I do. Maybe it's because I have a great ability to empathise with people, and because of the way that I am, I want to give support to those I feel need it, and can see solutions to the problems that they face. Yet it isn't even that, if I were to place comment, certain people would think it were strange, would it be welcomed?

I also feel that my questions are annoying. I want answers. Previous experience has deterred me from seeking these answers, despite being advised otherwise, I just get the vibe that they are unwanted. I work through things in this way, when I understand how something works, I can understand the entire concept better. Being a woman, and future psychologist I cannot help but read to much into things, and I realise I'm heavily generalising when I say that part of this is being a woman but it's true, woman over think things.

There was also more to what I was going to say, yet I'm hesitant. As always.

confessions.

This is who I am. This way I am by nature.

This is both problematic and beneficial.

This is deemed scarlet like by society.

To be judged by society, to judge yourself.

These are two separate systems.

Both conclude with the same answer.

Wise women will say 'it will harm your future'.

Hope will say 'shall not be the one'.

Borderline, constantly flirting with Hope.

This is who I am. This way I am by nature.

There are three things men and women need from each other. Men need loyalty, nurturing and love. Women need stability, wisdom and love. I don't care about looks, I care about attraction and finding someone who'll make me laugh - Nicole Trunfio 

Why is it that I always want what I cannot have?

With thanks

I love the conversations that we have, you are quite amazing really. You always make me feel good about myself, but not in the 'unconditional love' way, it's completely separate to that. I love how it doesn't matter, despite the vast difference between us, the similarities we possess are plentiful. I think we are, in a way, soul mates, and your the best I could have asked for. Most definitely you are my guiding angel, and I am so thankful to have you in my life, because without you I don't think I would have survived the things that I have.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'S'.

I find it funny how ridiculous I am. All talk perhaps, in some aspects. I think it would be a release unlike any other, and I guess you could say that it was a bad influence on me. It got me to thinking, again. Sometimes I hate that I know the consequences.

I also find it funny how easy it would be for you to disappear from my life, completely. I am the worst and best in the same breath, it's like a flower, you pick off the petals until the answer remains, as simple as that. No doubling back, no second glance, nothing. Would it be as easy for you as it is for me? Easier perhaps? Bringing back to that old question that constantly plays in my head. Yet again, perhaps it's all talk, and I really do need you.

Also I've decided not to let you get to me, because I'm sick of it, and I know that I'm better than what you make me out to be at times.

Sleep with all the lights on. You're not so happy. You're not secure.
You're dying to look cute in your blue jeans, but you're plastic just like everyone.
You're just like everyone.
And that face you paint is pressed impressing most of us as permanent and I'd like to see you undone.
College night will draw the crowds. Dorms unload and you're heading out.
Here is your moment to shine. Making up a history.
It has nothing from the life you lead but man will they buy all your lines.
Sleep with all the sheets off your bearing your mattress, bearing your soul.
And you're dying to look smooth with your tattoos but you're searching just like everyone and could be anyone.
And those friends you have are the best impressing most of us as permanent and I'd like to see you undone.
Youth's the most unfaithful mistress. 
Still we forge ahead to miss her.
Rushing our moment to shine.
Making up a history, it's nothing from the life you lead but man, will they buy all your lines.
We're not twenty-one, but the sooner we are, the sooner the fun will begin, so get out your fake eyelashes and fake I.D's, and real disasters ensue, it's cool to take these chances.
It's cool to fake romances and grow up fast.




Please, don't let there be a sequel. When I invest, I invest for life. This is the only way, my heart truly breaks. Even at the thought, twice I could not handle. 

I am the best actress.

Be strong, believe.

What if I'm not cut out for this?
What if I simply cannot do it?
I'd have nothing.

Why even bother trying?

And how is it possible that everyone is always better, whomever keeps placing me among these types, what in hope that it would rub off on me? Bring out something in myself I didn't know was there? Well so far your just making me feel like a failure. Push me harder because I can do it? What faith. No faith.

I cannot believe you thought it was.

And I cannot believe that you knew it wasn't.

Also it kind of killed the buzz. 

You're the only one, who's calling 'you' perfect.

Some people never learn.

And I'm so sick of your what could be described as 'attention seeking methods', and your continuing brutal insults.

I don't see you making any effort? Besides no one would want to see a person like you again after what you wrote and how you acted last time. "It makes me physically sick when I think about what sort of person would do that" 


And you realise that their partly to blame also. Given the situation, and lack of interest, this goes three ways. And it makes it worse that you make up a fair percentage of this 'pie chart' so to speak.

Why don't you take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, then get back to us. Hey, sounds like a good idea?

Or rather don't get back to us, just be quite.

I'm over playing nice.

Do people ever really change?
Or is it all just an act?

Brick walls.

'The Waiting Game'

I hate that I spend a significant amount of my time thinking about you.

I'm always wanting more than I can have. With terrible ideas seeming like great ones in the moment.

Why can't we ever have our cake, and eat it too? I mean theoretically we can, we can have a cake in our stomach because we've eaten it. Right?
I think it makes sense.

And again I'm indecisive.

It was strange, because I found myself thinking about you the other day, which hadn't been an occurrence for a rather long time. And reading that, made my heart skip a beat. Sadness? I couldn't tell. Do I miss you? I know I miss what we had, but you... Not so sure. In the nicest way possible of course.

There are none so blind, than those who cannot see.

I realise it's harsh, but I think it's about time someone actually man'd up enough to tell you how to do your job properly, because I'm sick of being a 'rental' when you can't*.
But not even that, reemphasise the problem, and make you see it as it is. Or rather see him for what he is; a using loser.
Because right now your failing, and not only failing yourself, but failing those around you.
And she deserves better.
It is just so sad that on the day of your celebration I struggled to find something nice to say at that moment, 'thank you for all that you've done for me', which is what?**
I am where I am because of you, I admit, I was ready, but you pushed me. And the worst thing about that, is that you didn't see it, or rather didn't care enough to see it, and change the circumstances so it wasn't so.
You'll always be blind.
But regardless, I'll always love you.



*Yet I would never stop being one because I actually care.
**Dating back maybe.

The Little Things Give You Away

it's like i'm staring into your soul,

let me in;

reaffirmations of previously stated statements.

Coagulation

Its always the random things in life that bring the most joy. The unexpected, unknown and undiscovered. Life should be this way. This week I think I have come to terms with the type of person that I am, and who I want to be. And you know what, that person is the same. Only one hurdle remains (that I consciously know of).  I spoke about saving before, but now I'm not so sure its worth it, what do I really gain? I thank you for the past, and the roles you played in my life at that time, yet somehow I don't think you will make a significant impact in my future, but I am okay with this. That said, I will still miss you, and the fun that we really did have. I've rekindled my love with a guilty pleasure, this will be costly! Oh, and it's still there.

'It's a terrible thing to know what you want 
And know you can't have it at all'


I scare myself sometimes, because I know that all is possible, yet in that possibility is failure. 


Remembering an event, even from the most recent past, can involve a blend of fact and fiction. It is entirely possible for one to remember the way events occurred differently to what they did in reality, as it is possible for one to remember events that simply did not occur. 


For once, can't I just be better? 

annoyed with no rights.

Lost

Definitely regretting that one. 

Should probably start saving now.

I don't really know how to feel about this.
I thought that once you were out of my life, I'd feel happier, knowing that there was no longer any pretence. But now, I feel sad, and regretful. Despite the fact that I know some of you thought nothing of me, perhaps others actually cared. Amongst the times I wished I could run away from it all, were the times that I loved being apart of it. Is it worth saving, considering you have yet to save me?

Not like one of my 'sunny days'.

Got it?
Please don't take this in any particular way.
Everything is subject to the moment.
You'll over think things if you do.