Why am I such an idiot?

coming home

Last night I was, Girl Interrupted.
It was as if I were there, so vivid, so real.
Like every feeling I felt was happening at that precise second.
I was so happy, life was so simple, I never smiled as much as I did last night.
I recall searching the courtyard for your face, and the rush of emotion I felt when I hugged you in what felt like one hundred years. I still cannot pin point what emotion that flooded my body was exactly, but it kind of felt like I was coming home. I remember waking up because my heart felt as if it were having trouble beating. If only I could return to that world at that moment, because it felt so amazing, and I'm missing you already.

Give me a sign.

I don't think I like you very much. 
Yet then again.

Stupid internal debate! I thought that we were supposed to follow our gut feeling? It's either my instincts are very wrong, or everyone else is. Everyone keeps telling me that it is a bad idea, and I can see how it is, and what consequences could be derived from it, but that still doesn't halt the feelings I have, instincts. The impaticence I posses also is problematic. What if my gut feeling is correct, but not for this precise time? How am I supposed to know when things are meant to happen. And if everything happens for a reason, doesn't that mean that if I were to follow my gut, it would be a good thing? Because then if it wasn't meant to be so, I would be led to a different path.
Why do I have this overwhelming need to see into the future? It's ruining the present. Potentially anyhow.

I don't think this will work.
And I can see it being so.
But tell me, what do you think?
Because I never seem to know.

(I really must stop with the rhyming) 

Best/Worse/Other

Sometimes it's so hard not to be...
So. Hard.

And now whats this!?
I am thoroughly confused, extensively and utterly confused.
Is this a warning? And/or gift?

Just because doesn't mean I'm still not...
Which makes matters worse.

Breathe, breathe in the air

Don't be afraid to care

Leave, but don't leave me

If everyone is telling me that it was the right thing to do, then why do I feel like it was wrong?
I don't believe I am clinging onto any kind of hope.
Maybe I just see the good in people. Or believe that they don't deserve that. Because it was quite bitchy.
And just for the record, your opinion is biased anyway.
Or maybe I am so desperate for something more than what I have, I'd do it just to have a moment of what I want, or need, which is probably a better way to put it.
And I'd hate to think, and I truly hope that is isn't so, that she is out there with the smile of glory on her face. Because I'm still a firm believer that that smile is not yours to claim.
I guess I just want to prove to someone that I can be the best there is. Which again is my problem. Someone, anyone, whats the difference.

Rarities

I don't know who you think you are, going around posting things like that. Do you have a heart? Or rather a brain for that matter? You must be selfish to not recognise all the help that has been thrown your way. What, do you think that it is a right? That you deserve it? Hardly. And even after being warned you go ahead and offend again. Stupid. I just wish I had more power in this situation. As for your lack of heart, given the current timing of your obscenities, it is ridiculously insensitive! Only proves further your self-centered nature. You better not show your face on the day approaching, your just lucky that it would not be in decorum to give you what you deserve. But I'd probably be giving you too much, because you deserve nothing.


Note: This is a rare side of me. And it is rarely, as the nature of rare things go, shown. Only those who truly do wrong against the people I love and care for most, get to experience the rarity. Don't judge.

For a day that could appear insanely intense, it wasn't half bad. And in a way, I think it is helping.
I mean, being apart of everything is definitely allowing time to process things.
And accept it further. Not that acceptance was a problem for me per say. But rather, for the one closest.
I seem to have the ability to accept things fairly quickly. Apparently it is due to the fact that my star sign is Mutable. I never thought I would learn as much about Star Signs as I have in the past week. Some of which astound me, for my past experience has told me otherwise. I truly hope that I am helping you. For I have a fear, and I wouldn't know what to do.

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is not what you think. And in a way, a tribute. Although full of sense, not a support.
(I'm not sure as to why I keep having to make that clear. Its like I'm determined not to believe or something)  

P.s I kind of miss you.

Or...

I can't do it any differently, but I feel like it's wrong.

It hasn't proved effective for some of those around me, and I'm deathly afraid that I will turn out like you, which is something, although controversial, I never want to happen. Ever.

And quit ganging up for God's sake, she's got enough to deal with! 

I'll never hurt you.

I know it's unfair for me to be jealous, but that doesn't change that fact that I am.

Skeletons

I had almost forgotten those feelings, I had almost forgotten that period of my life, and I almost wanted to forget, forever.
But how could I ever forget. You changed me. I am a completely different person now because of you, and what you did. I don't even believe you realise how much so. I hated you for so long after that, and I guess I still do. Part of me wants to let this go and move on, part of me want to stay angry at you forever.

I feel sorry for the bystander in this situation, for unspecified reasons.

And now I'm kind of wondering if I should. Continue I mean. It would be beneficial, for my future, in more ways than one. Different topic of course.

Writing this now, I can see the facts. And contrary to my previous statement. These facts do not need explanations, and they are as they appear, the truth. At times, my life seems one continuous night of fend for yourself dinners.

I kinda liked the mystery. Things that are too straightforward are boring.

I used to feel: Stress, stress, stress!!

Now I feel: A calming sensation of relief tied in with a deep knot of guilt. Oh and repeat.

P.s I can't recall if you were invovled or not, but I forgot again. But really if I were to remember, it wouldn't make a difference, I'd just be blazing on the inside.

On another note, as sad as this is, I'm going to miss you, greatly, and I don't care what that says about me.

Sometimes I wonder where my life has gone. And although I usually don't dwell on my past, I'm finding myself wondering, if I hadn't of done certain things or made those decisions, would my past have made it into my future? And maybe I would have like it more than my present ...

With a hint of optimism

So here I am, 7am, in the Mac labs at uni, half way through my readings for my cog assignment that is rapidly approaching. Crazy you must think, '7am on a Saturday morning!', but on the contrary, it's actually quite refreshing. Walking through the campus, along with the cold crisp air I feel a hint of optimism, 'Hey this isn't half bad'. Which leads to my realisation that I'm in an insanely good mood for this time in the morning, not even the fact that my hot chocolate with skim milk, half a shot of coffee and marshmallows, has gone slightly cold can ruin it. And even though I spoke to you, niceties and all, I didn't feel half the anger or rather outrage I did the last time you came up in conversation. In fact I had forgotten the incident had occurred completely, which is thankful really considering the advantages. I have a feeling that not only will this day bring a fantastic start to my assignment but also a fantastic or here's hoping, start to something I've wanted for a while now, wish me luck!