Bracing ourselves for the inevitable.

I want to say so much more, but right now I just can't seem to find the perfect words.

Everywhere that I turn, I'm getting attacked by those words.
For God's sake, shut up!

Shock and not.

Is it hard to breath when you see what you just did, and think like that? I most certainly would think so.
Perhaps you should get a better hold on this, and get back under control, before you lose out on yourself again, mightn't be the first time? 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;

All the King's horses and all the King's men,

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Whore.

Is that way of thinking warped?

It's what I've always known;

Biased options telling me what I want to hear,

How else can my love for you be shown?

But I guess it's not just that,

for it always feels more;

But everytime it does occur,

It leaves me feeling like a ______.

Attachment Theory. Need I say more?

Today I feel as if I could drive forever, just continue down a road to anywhere. I want to fight someone or something, in a way I kind of feel lifeless. Heavy. Tired. My mind is overwhelmed and I cannot focus. But what am I really thinking about? In a mental list: you, yes. you no, you no, you yes. And I've wanted to write on this but I still cannot find the words. Different topic and my ____ feels _____ without ____. Which can be considered as unhealthy. Restless, just less. But what is it that is making me feel so? I have some suggestions, or rather excuses, or rather again, suggestions. Perhaps I have caught what you have that is contagious. Or perhaps now after always I actually do.

"Do you see what I see"

If I were to explain it to you, in the form of facts solely, you would think it was terrible, horrible, saddening. I can see how you could, but facts are not explanations they are merely facts. Although sometimes, I feel as it these thoughts, right here, are for show. Or maybe it is I who is really for show. Or maybe your way of thinking is just contagious. 

Like.

Have you ever like, said something right, and then you like wish you didn’t? And then it like replays in your head, like a thousand times! O-M-G like that is so annoying! Cos you like wish you could change it, but you like totally can’t. And your all like ‘I so should have said this instead’ but there’s like nothing you can do! And then you totally just die every time you like replay it. It’s just like when you have a meaningful conversation with someone right, and your like deciding and its all complicated and you like fully expect an answer, or like even for them to talk to you but instead, they fully have to like go and ignore you. That's just like so rude!

Boundary, where for out thou?

Again, I stumble, my body lurches forward. I feel the spray of the waves icy against my face as they crash into the sides of 'The Journey'. I stumble once more, and grasp out for anything to steady myself, this darkness is horrifying and I fear for the worst. If only I could find what I'm looking for, then the brightness of it would make this clearer to me. If I take one step in the wrong direction I could be thrown into the depths below, then there the challenge of climbing aboard once more.

Am I already in the depths below?

Anonymous.

Which is what I want this to remain. But why in the first place would I write, if I didn't want those whom I want to know, to know. Like an outlet, for things that cannot be said. And will remain unsaid. The most private yet public thing, so personally impersonal to the point it almost frustrates me!

On the list of things that frustrate me is you. Or rather they. Who in this wide world can you trust. The people that you thought you could always proving you wrong. I'm sick of it, truly. And whats worse is that I didn't even think it was that way. Maybe I was momentarily blinded. I over think everything, but I am trained too. I am attentive, for years of needing to be. I can handle. But when someone questions me, I cannot take it. Confidentiality is a massive part of who I am, I'd like to think I come across as easy to talk to and trustworthy. But when you go round throwing accusations at me, how I am supposed to look at myself the same! Perhaps it's true. Maybe I am, and hence the increase, but I don't believe you. And now to restart the game. Ever more complicated.

There is possibility. But that is another story.

Believing.

Fate is a word that a lot of people associate with God. As is the word faith. But to me these words are important, and not because of this association. I'm not a follower of him and I don't believe I ever will be. I want to believe in something greater than the human race but believing in him just doesn't make logical sense to me with all the scientific evidence pointing otherwise.

But fate is something I can believe in, I can have faith in fate. There has to be some greater plan in life, we can't all be wondering around aimlessly. I mean we all have aims, great or small, but how do we get there from our simple thought patterns into life.

Another thing that deters me greatly from the whole God perspective is the rate of natural disasters in the world at the moment. How can people who believe that God 'loves all his sons and daughter', reason with what is going on in the world.

I've got to believe in something, or what do I have? What do any of us have? Everyone would have something or someone guiding them, whether is is God or simply an ideology of how they want there life to be pushing them towards a brighter future. I don't think it is possible not to believe, and therefore I do.

Believe in yourself - in the power you have to control your own life, day by day, Believe in the strength that you have deep inside, and your faith will help show you the way. Believe in tomorrow and what it will bring, let a hopeful heart carry you through, things will work out if you trust and believe -there's no limit to what you can do!

That poem was given to my Mother from my Auntie. I forget the author, but I always remember the words.